Tony Blair gives Exclusive Interview to

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November 5, 2006 by cosmoakacitizensmith

Finally cornered the bugger again in the distinguished surroundings of the Old Illtydians Rugby Club, People’s Republic of Splott, Cardiff…

Tony Blair: We’ve met before, haven’t we? You’re the twat with the hat.

CitizenSmith: Yeah, but if I take my hat off I cease to be a twat. There’s not a lot you can do about your face, Tony….

(Laughter. They embrace warmly like brothers and order two pints of Brains Dark)

CitizenSmith: Seriously, though, Tone, you are really looking like a bit of a twat over Iraq. I mean, there’s the opinion poll that suggests over half the country wants to bring the boys back as soon as possible…..

Tony Blair: Oh come on, who’s being the twat now? Upward of a million people marched against the war in the first place, and did we listen to them? No we didn’t! The fact is, it’s the British people who’ve got it all wrong. The war has been a remarkable success. Don’t believe me?

Like it or not, we along with all the other Western countries, are fighting a battle to secure our resources. Do you think we’d just roll into Iraq and create the first secure democracy in the Middle East? No way! Israel wouldn’t have it for a start. Do you think we’d hand those massive oil reserves over to a bunch of Arabs? Again, no way! They’re talking now of partitioning Iraq into three. I say, great! Imagine that? All that arguing! The idea was, and still remains, to cause as much chaos as we can and bleed the place dry of oil before anyone notices. It’s called divide and rule, it’s what made this country great, and it works every time.

Like I said, the British people have got it wrong.

CitizenSmith: OK, fair point. Moving on, what about Gordon Brown and his challenge to your leadership? And David Cameron….?

Tony Blair: Look, my son Leo was the first son conceived to a sitting Prime Minister in over a hundred and fifty years. My sperm is that potent. Look at Gordon. His wife had a miscarriage when he tried the first time. And look at Cameron. He’s got a disabled child. Now whatever you may feel about this, the fact is this carries powerful messages to the British people. I really am the daddy now, old bean. There really is no getting away from me.

CitizenSmith: Yes, Tony, well put. OK, to my final question. People are worried about the future, about the effects of global warning and so forth. Have you got anything to say to them?

Tony Blair: Look, I read your blog occasionally, and I have to say I like it. But people like you are very idealistic. I understand the Stern report recently has warned us that if we don’t make changes now, global warming will prove to be an economic disaster. But the question I want to ask is: an economic disaster for whom?

The fact is, and I know as an anarchist you have very little interest in these things, the recent history of this country has been the the story of the little people getting power off the bigger people. Slowly we’ve seen this transformation happen from the Civil War in England to the Chartists, the Union movement, Suffragettes and so forth. It’s what has made this country the free and democratic society that it is today.

But the difficulty today remains: we simply cannot afford this anymore. There are now too little resources and too many people. Democracy, equality and all that stuff, they will simply become things of the past. I think you made the point yourself in your blog: China is now the future. That is the template to which all forward-thinking nations must comply if they are to survive. A few people on the top making the cash, and a loads at the bottom who are vassals of corporate power. The Stern report is just a lot of public-relations mumbo jumbo. There’s too much money to be made by too few people from the system as it is. Rather than reel it in share things out for the sake of a temperature hike, we have to pull up the ladder.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m sad about this. Democracy and freedom were bold experiments, and ones that we in the English-speaking world can be particularly proud of. But needs must, dear boy, needs must….

CitizenSmith: Nice one Tone. Love ya!!!

Tony Blair: Nice one. Love ya too!!! Good luck with the new album.

(Laughter. They embrace warmly like brothers and down their pints of Brains Dark)

CitizenSmith (left) Haemhorroids?


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