October 2, 2006 by cosmoakacitizensmith
I am a kind of agent from another time. I have been sent to work here in your time.
I said to you earlier I have very little recollection of my previous life in the future.
This is not strictly true.
I do, and one of the reasons for this is something else I wrote about in the previous post.
Dark actors are at work and have forced me to become addicted to certain drugs. Let me try to explain.
Sometimes I have what you may call absences. This world melts around me and I suddenly find it very hard to process what I am experiencing.
My head gets filled with new parameters and a whole new language and I am at a complete loss to say or do anything. Everything seems bizarre and inexplicable.
And yet it seems clearer as well. A strange paradox.
I now realise that when this happens, it is a result of the barrier between this world and my world in the future getting thinner.
The boundaries become blurred.
My head gets filled with how my future self percieves what is going around me now. A lot of confusion occurs as a result.
I do not think that this is necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I believe this to be a significant part of my mission here. The process is an important one.
It was while I was recovering from a particularly bad absence that I began to understand what is happening to me in a different way.
Like I said before, it became abundantly clear that government and corporate agencies were addicting me to very potent drugs.
In the time I am from, in the future, we have irradicated these drugs and the illnesses they cause from the world.
You could draw a parallel with what has been done with polio now. It is not entirely vanished but it is well under control.
In the time I am from, we look upon these drugs and the resultant pychoses they engender in users in a completely different way to how people do here.
The words for these drugs in 21st century Britain are “alcohol” and “consumerism.”
Like I say, these do not resonate in the same way they do for me in the language I used to speak in the future.
We had to fight many battles to get these drugs under control.
At the moment, however, in this time, they are widespread in the population.
I have been attempting to come off both of them, with varying degrees of success.
I feel sick a lot. I am faced with having to look at many aspects of myself that I find unpleasant.
One of these is the grief I have felt since a comrade from my time who was also working here in this time got recalled. He’s left his partner and his children and me.
The grief gets overwhelming.
Because of this, I find I have very little confidence in myself. None, in fact. My head explodes with paranoia, the reult of extreme lack of self-esteem.
In matters of the heart, I feel like I am back to being a novice. I am having to re-learn how to take faltering steps. I fall over. I get burned.
I thought I knew about all this stuff.