April 11, 2006 by cosmoakacitizensmith
We were sitting talking about business, important stuff, but I had other things on my mind. I was feeling very upset and emotional. I wanted to talk to him about it but didn’t, so we carried on talking about business.
I kept thinking, “It’s OK for you, you’re dead you cunt.” It was really upsetting me but still I didn’t talk about it. All these emotions kept welling up inside and I felt like I was going to cry but I kept a lid on them somehow.
I’m like that in life sometimes, I’ll just goof around or act like nothing is the matter even if things are burning me up inside.
The main band were called Lear. The bass player is a fellow Hungarian and he sold me my acoustic guitar when he used to work in GM Music in Cardiff. They are quite old for an aspiring band, but that night there was talk of deals in the offing, lawyers, publishers, all that stuff.
Keep going against all the odds. I know that feeling. But like John Cleese said, “It’s not the despair that gets me. It’s the hope!”
There were not many people at the show. All my mates from up that way weren’t about so it was weird.
I felt on the spot. I wanted to pull a good gig out the bag. I planned my act in the backroom as people drifted in, getting more and more tense.
Finally I walked out on stage and let rip. I felt good. But the thin crowd were not arsed. Smatterings of applause here and there. Someone pissed up called out for a Robert Johnson song. Another cried out for me to do “Oi Mush.”
Bollocks to all of you, I thought. I went on. I was doing well. I kept up the quality. Still not much applause. But I carried on till the end and exited stage left.
I felt I’d done a really good show and was pleased with my performance. I was particularly chuffed how I’d done what I wanted and not gone for easy crowd-pleasers like I do sometimes.
But the audience had been awful. Alka said he thought so too. I’d never come off stage feeling that way before. Odd. It was like doing a hundred yard dash with all enthusiasm and then crashing into a big brick wall you hadn’t noticed before. I felt a bit dazed but exhilarated at the same time.
Alka said that last time that crowd had come up to see Lear they had found about six unsniffed lines of coke in the bogs. Make of that what u will!
But you know what? The song that got the most applause was not one of my funny songs or my laugh-a-minute political diatribes. It was The Door in the Wall off my Bedsit Blues CD: a kind of gentle Nick Drake minus-the-quality-guitar-picking style number.
No goofing around. Just straight emotion. There’s a lesson there somewhere if you care to look.
Amazing the conflicting feelings that come your way after playing in front of a crowd!