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September 4, 2005 by cosmoakacitizensmith

it’s hard to describe the next few weeks. inside i am angry, frustrated and confused and yet outside life goes on as normal. it is hard to relate to people who have not been through the same experience. there seems to be a yawning chasm between me and the vast mass of humanity.

little things freak me out. like going away to a festival when someone has a blim and being convinced i am going to be searched and locked up. going abroad and feeling that i will be whisked away at security at the airport, interrogated and locked up. shuddering whenever i see a copper. completely irrational, but that is what happens in my head. drinking lots to get away from it all.

and the paranoia! sometimes i feel like the biggest, baddest activist in the universe and mi6 and the CIA are tuning into my every utterance.

other times i feel like a cretinous, negligable, useless tosser. oh well!

on the positive side, getting together with people who understand really helps. i have had big chats with people who were arrested at the g8 about what happened and how it has affected them. there’s been lots of support. we have talked very seriously about the politics that underlie what we do, sometimes for the first time. and finding out that it is useful to act big and hard sometimes, but it is also equally useful to admit to feeling scared and helpless as well.

i’ve also become more aware of the legal system and got a lot more tooled up on the law. like i said, i couldn’t believe how ignorant i was before i went to scotland.

the head games continue. at the moment, i am being told that i won’t get legal aid. so a bunch of gangsters meet up and make policies that condemn millions of people to their deaths, i end up in the dock and i have to pay money for the privilege.

in the end, it’s about standing up for yourself and for the things you believe in and fighting your corner.

and realising that despite it all, we’re supposed to be living in a democratic, wealthy “first world” country, and thinking about those at the sharp end of the system in other countries who are going through so much fucking worse.

that’s the point.


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